Inland Empire Hash House Harriers: November 2008

Grand Mastress: Everhard

The head (wo)man. The chairman of the board. The big cheese. The HMFIC. The guiding light. Gispert's legacy. The GM is not simply a figure head (see GM emeritus) for the hash. Rather (s)he personifies the hash's character (or lack thereof.) He/she leads with a dynamic strength that permeates the fabric of the organization. Both directly, and through his/her officers, he/she gives inspiration, direction, and vision to all. This position ranks only below Beermeister, Hash Cash, Hare Raiser and Hash Harlot in real importance to the hash.

Grand Masters Emeritus: Beaver (Open for Nominations)

These tired old men are the past Grand Masters of the IE3H. We treat them as the relics they are, frequently checking for vital life signs. We treasure and love these artifacts of the past despite their cantankerous personalities.

On Sec: Spooner Boy

This position is the masochist's dream. He struggles with piles of papers, miles of computer wire, and attempts to occasionally produce a Hash Trash to keep the hash members reasonably informed. He is the IEH3 official scribe wherein he spreads the word of the Inland Empire via e-mail. The On-Sec also maintains the hash membership data base and publishes a generally unreliable and inaccurate Hound Directory.

Hare Raiser: Chea Crack

This is the hasher who lines up the hares for future hashes. He makes sure that there is a hare for each hash, that virgin hares have veteran co-hares, finds out the start location of the hash and gets that information to the On-Sec for posting in the Hash Trash and placement onto the Hareline recording. If the Hare Raiser should fail to find a hare for the next hash - he gets stuck doing it himself. Poetic justice.

Hash Cash: Valenteenie Ass

(S)he's he holder of the purse-strings. Someone needs to dash about the start of each hash begging for money. Someone has to keep track of what comes in and what goes out (commonly referred to as "the old in and out.") These generally unappreciated duties fall on the shoulders of the Hash Cash. This trustworthy soul must withstand the whining of the Hares who have overspent, the whimpering of those who forgot their fees, and the interrogations of those who mistakenly think there should be some sort of accounting for hash funds. The Hash Cash also acts as Hash Haberdasher, procuring and selling items of apparel to the hash.

Hash Horn: Smokie The Tuna (Open for Nominations)

Equipment requirements: A bugle, cornet, trumpet, French horn, trombone, or tuba. Performance venue: The hash trail. Musical ability: Uncertain.

Hash Mouth: (Open for Nominations)

The hash mouth runs the official business at the On-On with an iron hand. He must be loud, clear, passionate, articulate, and possess an uncommon ability to think on his feet. It also helps if he speaks English.

Hash Flash: Squirt

The person who captures on film for posterity all embarrassing moments from the hashes. The hash flash must have an acute sense of the absurd to know what to take photos of, and also a small degree of reliability to bring a camera, film, take pictures, have them developed, and put only the finest thereof into the sacred photo album.

Beermeister: (Open for Nominations)

This is unquestionably the most important position in the hash. The Beermeister has the weighty responsibility of making sure that the lifeblood of hashing is available at each and every hash event. He keeps constant vigilance to find the cheapest spirituous fermenti available, always has coolers in the trunk of his car, cases of beer in his garage, and reliably returns the empty keg between the On-On and On-On-On. This job requires a strong back and a weak mind.

Keeper of the Hashit (Haberdasher): Pink Pecker

This is arguably the most complicated position within the hash hierarchy. The responsibility surrounds custody of a large cardboard box filled with the flotsam and jetsam of past hashes. Precisely why this crap is retained is a mystery shrouded in the mythology of hashdom. However, the hashit itself rarely makes it to the hash, although the custodian is usually there himself. This reinforces the argument that remembering to bring the hashit is probably beyond the cognitive ability of your average hasher.

Songmeister: Topless Barbie (Open for Nominations)

This is a hasher with no self-respect. He never lacks for a song suitable to the occasion. His songs are risqué, lewd, and vulgar. The Songmeister speaks with other hashers and hashes to acquire songs to add to the hash hymnal. His mission is to explore new tunes and new celebrations. To boldly go where no Songmeister has gone before (pardon the split infinitive.)

Religious Advisor: Beast Masterbater

(S)he's the keeper of the faith and enforcer of the holy hash scriptures. This is the hasher who has seen the light (Bud light) and can taste in his soul the true spirit of hashing. The religious advisor spreads the word and inspires the zest and zeal of the hash in all participants. Any hasher found transgressing the spirit of hashing is disciplined by the RA. He is the keeper of the sacred Laws of Hashing and comes up with sufficiently plausible lies to cover any serious questions of propriety of actions within the hash.

Hash Harlot: (Open for Nominations)

A trashy wench who has seen the dark side of hashing and likes it! One with a lust for life who revels in being the butt of the jester's ribald wit, the object of the songster's bawdy lyric, and the centerpiece of sensual repartee at all hash functions.

Webmasterbater: Squirt

Computer geek who tries to keep the masses informed by updating information on the Super Highway we call the Web. Has a most perplexing job due to the natural desire to link every other word to XXX pictures and smut pages they have found (by accident) on the Web.